A missionary monk was preaching at the retreat; exercises took place in the convent chapel, a sacred asylum which, without doubt, I was seeing for the last time!!!…
I was in need of this religious calm, in the midst of the ever increasing agitations of my life!
At that moment, perhaps, I was putting an insurmountable barrier between the past and the future; I needed to gather myself in front of God!!!
My project was to open myself up, in all frankness, to this unknown confessor and wait for his judgement! One can imagine the surprise, the stupefaction which my strange confession caused him!!!…
I’d done it! He kept silent, pensive. My failures, my miseries only caused him to feel the sweetest commiseration.
I had, to put it this way, put my fate in his hands, in asking him to be my judge! “My child,” he said, “the situation is most serious and demands serious reflection, I cannot give you a plan of action straight away. Come back tomorrow, and in two days I can give you my opinion.”
My anxiety was overwhelming. I felt my existence hung on these words promised to me. I didn’t sleep, or else I slept badly. The fixed delay passed; here is the advice the abbot gave me: “I will not tell you,” he said to me, “what you, like me, already know; that is, that you could, from now on, take the title of man which rightfully belongs to you. Assuredly you could, but how would you go about obtaining it? At the price of the greatest scandals, perhaps. However, you cannot keep your current position which is full of danger. I advise you this: withdraw from the world and enter the religious life; but make sure to renew the confession you made me, a convent of nuns would not admit you. This is the only solution I propose, and believe me, accept it.”
I left without promising anything, I was not prepared for such a result.
He proposed I avoided a blow by creating an even more dangerous situation which would inevitably end in scandal. And besides, I didn’t have the least taste for the religious life. I felt too strongly against it; I was to everything, rather than ruining it all. In this state of affairs, I decided to wait for what would come.
The next day I left D… In separating myself from my dear mistress, I was that I would never see her again, at least not in the same condition! Everything was finished between us! A gulf would separate us! This thought saddened me greatly.
I saw her angelic gaze fixed upon mine while my hands pressed hers!!!
My God! If she could have read my soul!!
I bent my forehead to her pure lips, and mine touched her cheek!!! It was done! I had forever broken the sweet links of my past!!!
at B…, I avoided all meaningful conversation with extreme care, either with my mother, or with M. de Saint-M…, whose touching concern did not abandon me.
After his lunch I read him the newspaper and I put his business papers in order.
We chatted informally with the abandon that comes with trust and reciprocal esteem.
I went then to put the intimate thoughts, impressions, regrets of each day down in writing; it was all destined for Sara who sent me a long letter weekly which I devoured in the silence of the night. Each of these missives implored me to shorten our separation! We were in mid-October. I had promised Madame P… that I would be back with her around this time and I wanted to keep that promise. How much longer could I spend in her house? I did not know. An explosion could occur from one moment to the next. I was resigned to it in advance. The closer the crisis came, the more my strength increased! But Sara!
The carriage service had been changed. This time I did not arrive at L… until midnight. They were not awaiting me at that hour. Madame P… was in bed, she cordially embraced me and wanted to get up to feed me, but I formally refused.
“So,” she said, “go quickly to rest. Sara is in bed, she is certainly asleep. She will like the surprise.”
I didn’t wait to be told twice. My young friend had recognised my voice.
She awaited me with open arms!!!
We hardly slept at all that night!!!…
Happiness took the place of sleep during those long hours!
We had so much to tell each other!!! Late the next morning we still hadn’t moved!
Madame P… came to open the curtains and scolded us teasingly for our laziness.
I wanted to respond in the same tone; but I was truly . After her mother had left, Sara told me a secret that distressed me! – tears suffocated her! If her fears were founded we would have both been lost! A true sword of Damocles hung above our heads.